Hey everyone, I felt really compelled to write on this topic as it will become a reality for me in the next year.
All of my friends minus a select few have children. All of them are amazing parents. All of them have beautiful babies, toddlers,kiddos,teens and so on. This is a question I am bombarded with alot. As soon as I said I do, it was “so when are you having kids”. Rest assured that it will happen when it’s supposed to… I have wanted children my whole life. I used to want 8, then 6, then 4 and now I’m thinking 2 at the absolute max! While I am excited to begin this adventure I have to say part of me is a little sad. For me it will be devoting all my time and energy to a helpless tiny human. It will be less reading and more sleeping. It will he putting school on hold. It will be taking that time for myself and giving it to someone else and I hate to say it but I don’t want to share my husband. I know what you’re thinking “she’s crazy, parenthood is the best” and while I know I will understand when it happens I’m still not totally there yet.
It’s funny, I have 3 younger siblings, all 3 were my “first babies” I helped alot with all 3 and at age 12 I had my 2 year old brother on a weekend schedule with me. I loved being their big sister and I loved taking care of them. I am in constant wonder if I will love my child the way I loved my siblings? Will I make good choices for their future? Will I be fun? How exactly do I play make believe? How do I scare away the monster under the bed? There are so many questions that I cannot answer and it’s terrifying.
I have grown up my whole life hearing “having a baby is a crap shoot” or “babies are like a box of chocolates” because you just never know and I think that is what I struggle with the most. I don’t know if I will have a girl or boy until 20 weeks. Will they be typically developing? Will they look like me or Kyle? Everything is so unknown and that to me is terrifying. (If you can’t tell from this post, I am control freak).
I feel bad too because when people ask me when we are having kids and they ask if I’m excited I say yes! But I also mention that I am scared and I have gotten some great dirty looks from that. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how excited I am, I am always going to be scared. I have a great family and friends. My support system is phenomenal but again, it’s unknown and all I can control are my reactions. So when you ask me when it’s happening or if I am excited just know I am very much! I am anxious to get cute clothes and pick names (even though I’ve had mine planned for years and we are not changing them). I am excited to feel the first kick and meet them but I’m scared. I’m scared of the good, the bad, the blowouts, the tantrums, the kisses, the snuggles and that’s okay because I know deep down I got this!