Hey Friends! Today I want to talk about something really important. What Negativity does to your heart and how positivity changes it.
First things first. This is an extremely candid post from my own personal journey. From 2008-2014 I was in the biggest life funk ever. I was bitter at those who were doing more than me. I was angry at the world for my problems and woke up everyday ready to fight the world. My life motto at the time was “wake up mad, that way when something happens, and it will, you’re already set up for it”. That is no way to live your life. I was angry at the way my life was going. I had been emotionally kicked down by a job I hated. The saying leave it at the door was not how this place worked. I was trying to finish school as fast as I could so that I could begin working on my major. When I met with my school counselor about what classes I needed, I expected to have a handful and she informed me I had another few years at sierra. I was angry that all my friends had wonderful things happening for them and I disliked just about everybody. People began to close me out and I don’t blame them. I was horrid. I believed I had some kind of divine right to have the things I believed I deserved. It was the lowest 6 years of my life. Now what I didn’t take into consideration was that I was healthy (minus my kidney stones), I had a wonderful boyfriend, an amazing family and just as amazing friends. But… I didnt care. I thought to myself “why me, why can’t I have all the things I deserve.” It just made me spiral into more anger and resentment. My mama would always say “you should feel blessed you have a job, a home, Kyle, your family and a roof over your head.” This just made me more mad and I began to shut out the world. I didnt know what to do to get myself out of this funk. It was straining my relationships with everyone I loved, Including Kyle.
One morning I woke up and decided I was going to quit my job. Kyle was about to start school, for which he was paid for and I could finish my finals strong and decide what I wanted to do. So I walked into work, Left a letter of resignation and began my shift. The next month was the longest month ever. I gave my job a months notice so that they could either hire a replacement for my department and or send someone from another department over. On my last day I was showered with love and affection and I. Was.Free!!!! That was step 1 in changing my mindset.
Now I was unemployed and realized I had so much time to myself, and then we received bad news. Kyle, had more to get finished before he could be accepted to his school. I was so angry and scared but both my mama and Kyle told me to take the few weeks off and then decide to find a job. So I did, and right after my first interview I was in the hospital with a massive Kidney stone. I began tutoring kids with Autism 5 days a week a few hours a day, but my kidney stone just kept causing more trouble. I went to a doctor and they decided I needed minor surgery on it. The probationary period at my new job was still in effect and when I made the call regarding having to take the time off, I prepared myself for termination. They H.R representative said to me while I was holding back tears, this is a medical leave and I would not lose my job! I was so relieved and I explained that there would be days where I was in so much pain that I would try to go to work but I may have to leave early and or not go at all, which for the kids I worked with, skipping program was rough. On March 1st we found out Kyle was accepted to school and he would be starting March 30th!!! This was the BEST news I had in years. However It was also one of the scariest times of my life. I was sick, he was at school 5 sometimes 6 days a week and now we had a wedding to plan. We did it though. He graduated 10/2/15, we were married 10/4/15 and moved in together 10/8/15 after 9 years of dating and not making enough money to live on our own.
I am now 7 months into our new life and I couldn’t be happier. I am stressed more for obvious reasons and if you know me you will know why but I am happy and working on me. I have begun taking care of my body. I learned a new kind of independence that I never knew I had. I am living day-to-day and not waking up ready to fight. I am loving with all of my heart and mending relationships that were strained. It’s a process and everyday I look at the positive side rather than putting up my fists ready to go.
To those of you who knew me those rough years, I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. I was unhappy and miserable and I wanted people to feel like I did. That was selfish and childish. I appreciate all the continual love and support shown to me by you. I am sorry I was so hard to love and I am working extremely hard to mend the strain on us. I am sorry for all my negative comments and sharp tongue. It was wrong of me to treat anyone less than what they are because I felt I was less of me. Thank you for Helping me find my light again. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being there. I am a work in progress and positive thinking has changed my heart. I know that action speaks louder than words and I hope you see that my actions have drastically changed.
Now lets talk about how to get out of your funk (if you’re in one or know someone who is). I have anxiety. I suffer from panic attacks that knock me on my ass. They were at their peak during my sad years and this is one of the reasons I shut myself out. If you have never had a panic attack, I hope that you don’t, however you will NEVER know what they are like until you have one. For me I feel like I am about to pass out, I feel hot than freezing and my chest begins to hurt. This was enough of a sign that I needed to change so here is what I did…
Step 1: Find something you love to do, and do it all the time. For me that was reading.
Step 2: if you have a crappy job or your unhappy at your job, LEAVE!!!!!!! I cannot stress this enough. This for me was my first step to a positive outlook. Don’t get me wrong my job was easy and I had alot of great friends, but there was SO. MUCH. Unnecessary. DRAMA. You just need to learn to distance yourself from it. For some reason it seemed that I was everyones choice to vent to, so all that negativity mixed with my issues was all too much.
Step 3: surround yourself with positive things, and or people. Since I moved my friends are not close, however I began to text and call more frequently. I have expanded my personal library, I read more and more, I am taking classes to finish my degree but I throw in 1 fun class to make my work load different and not as overwhleming.
Step 4: Push yourself to do something you wouldn’t normally do. For me that was exercising. I am now running up to 4 miles a day!!!
Step 5: Wake up and think about how blessed you are. This is something you probably do naturally but really take a minute, while you’re having your morning coffee or whatever and think about the people in your life. For me I think about Kyle and how hard he works for our life. My mama for being the strongest person in my life and Rachel for being the sunshine on my cloudy day.
Step 6: Know that there will always be bad days. I still have panic attacks and I am doing 100 times better than I was however they just happen…bottom line is accept them and find out what the underlying cause of them is. Mine is stress related. Bad days happen to us all, but its no reason to curl up and be a hermit.
Step 7: KEEP BUSY!!!! This is a big one. Because I am not working and have time between semesters I get extremely lonely and board and then I begin to stress, then the panic sets in. I now have made myself have daily activities that take up my time. I clean or organize almost everyday. I run. I do yoga. I do strength training. I make myself read for at least 30 minutes even if my book isn’t all that good. I cook myself healthy meals. I play games. I write, I blog. It’s all about staying busy!
Step 8: Know youre enough and you can’t please everyone. This is still a struggle for me. I try to make everyone happy even if im overwhelmed. It’s detremental to me and all involved. I do a lot for people and don’t expect anything back. Its called being a good human. Try it out! When I do something to help someone I feel amazing and I know that I am a good human!
Step 9: Be kind and Humble I still get sassy every once in a while and that’s okay but I don’t let it define me. I am no better than the person standing next to me. I have no devine rights. I have only my attitude. When I begin to feel Cattie, I step back think “this is not beneficial to me or who is involved. Be Humble, Kelsey.”
Step 10: Show love. It can be a letter, a text just something to brighten someone elses day even if youre having a bad day.
This is still a work in progress for me and it maybe for the rest of my life but I am blessed, happy, getting really healthy, finishing school, married and I’m okay! I’m alive and I can’t believe I wasted 6 years not seeing what the world has to offer. Shame on me!!!
I hope that if you’re reading this and you are struggling with the same thing that you know there is always something to be grateful for. Take a second and think about the blessings in your life and let that love and happiness fill you up. I promise you, you can feel better.